The Twins are off to a poor start. The A Team is suffering from unilateral fibula weakness, bilateral leg weakness, multilaterial stomach sickness.
To address ever-changing conditions and just to shake things up, Gardy has been announcing daily role changes with the Twins, sometimes many changes in a day.
- Joe Nathan is no longer the closer — Matt Capps takes over that job.
- Cuddyer is wearing all sorts of Twins caps — taking on additional roles of first base and second base, in addition to his usual right field.
- Jim Hoey is the new right-handed setup guy.
- Eric Hacker is in as the new long-relief guy.
- Steve Holm is the new catcher guy.
- Tolbert plays first, as in the position where you usually put your most feared hitter.
Over on the internet, the public is demanding that when Joe Mauer comes back he should play first base, third base and center field. And if I understand the Tweets correctly — all at the same time.
So a little shaking-things-up and the Twins rolled off a season high two (Yes, TWO!!!!!) game winning streak and then got rolled 11-0.
So shaking up led to a couple of wins and has proved to be inadequate, all at the same time. The Twins are thrashing about right now, both literally (as in Delmon’s and Alexi’s hitting approach) and figuratively. And this is major league baseball — you might get by hacking at everything for a little bit, but it won’t bring good things for long.
But what the heck. The Twins are either tossing up the post-game spread and/or causing nausea amongst the fan base. So let’s just keep the wheel of Fortuna in spin and see what happens. Here is some fictional changes, mostly which won’t be tried by the Twins any time soon. Except in the case of emergencies. Feel free to suggest others:
- Carl Pavano and Drew Butera will remain battery mates, but Butera will now pitch and Pavano catch.
- Jason Repko will go from fourth outfielder to fourth second baseman.
- It is said that all relief pitchers are frustrated closers. And after enough lost-wins all starting pitchers must be frustrated with the relievers. So in a move designed for everybody to understand each other better, Twins relievers will all become starters and the starters become relievers, for one turn through the rotation.
- Francisco Liriano will switch from a left-handed pitcher to a right-handed pitcher. Bert Blyleven, Twins announcer, applauds the switch, saying “That’s how I pitched in my day.”
- Alexi Casilla will move to “rover” and bat tenth.
- Superblogger Aaron Gleeman will replace Bill Smith as general manager on an interim basis. According to Smith, “things aren’t working out right now, and I take full responsibility for the results. So I am going to see if I can contribute more effectively as a blogger and critiquer and let Aaron take on the day-to-day franchise management, at least on a temporary basis.” Smith has indicated that he will move into Aaron’s mother’s basement. It is unclear at this time if Bill’s mother will displace Aaron’s mother from the upstairs or if Mrs. Gleeman will move into the upper concourse of Target Field above Aaron’s new office.
- Twins engineers are exploring whether they can get Minnie and Paul to switch sides of the Mississippi River in the Target Field sign.
- Gardy announced that he will fill in for Wally the Beer Man, who himself has changed roles to become a celebrity bartender at nearby Sneaky Petes. Gardy will continue to manage while selling beer, except during pitching changes when Rick Anderson will pick up the beer sales. Given the crappy start of the Twins, underage fans with fake IDs should really not challenge Gardy, I’m just saying.